I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
