Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
