dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
