i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize