i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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