he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
