This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
