im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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