can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
