So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
