I think I am morally bankrupt
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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