Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
