you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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