I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
