Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
