i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize