I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize