He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
