We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
