I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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