The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He better not be in your backpack
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
