I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
