there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
