Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
