dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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