According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
