I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
