At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I didn't notice because vodka
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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