No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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