you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
