There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize