Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize