At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
