He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
