So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
