Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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