I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
