ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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