There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
