Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
