i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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