I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
