and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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