I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
