i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
