No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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