I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
