Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
