Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
