It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
