somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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