My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
