I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
