so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
