and you said cock pushups were impossible
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
